- Consider cutting down on contact with your friend if you’re constantly the first to reach out or make plans, or if you don’t hang out without initiating it yourself.
- Ask yourself if your friend puts as much effort into the friendship as you do, or if interacting with them leaves you more drained than it does invigorated or content.
- Think about stepping away from the friendship if they make you feel bad about yourself, overstep your boundaries, or don’t care to change their negative behavior.
Signs It’s Time to Stop Reaching Out
You’re constantly the first one to reach out. Are you the one who always makes the plans? Does every text conversation start with one of your own chat bubbles? If you went a month without calling or texting your friend, what are the odds they’d say anything? If your friendship relies on you constantly making the first move, it could be that you’re the only thing holding the friendship together, and it’s time to start questioning why that is. Put the ball in their court for a while by saying something like, “Let me know if you want to hang out sometime!” and wait for them to propose a plan. That way, they know you’re available, but it’s on them to make the first step.
They don’t give their fair share of energy to the relationship. If you’re putting more energy into the relationship than your friend—always texting first, listening to their problems without them listening to yours, showing support when support isn’t shown to you—that friendship might actually just be an energy drain. Friends should invigorate you just as much as they wear you out, but if you’re constantly just plain worn out, it might be time to pull the plug. Tell your friend you’ll be busy or “working on yourself” for a while, like for a month or two. Then, during this “friendship break,” consider how you’re feeling—are you less stressed out or generally feel better when your contact with them is limited?
You feel like you’re being used. They say that a friend in need is a friend indeed. If you’re always sticking your neck out to help your friend without any reciprocity, stop and think: Are they getting more from this relationship than you are? It could be that they see you as a convenient way to get what they want, rather than an actual friend, but you deserve so much more. Put a hold on their requests for a while and start saying no when you feel like you’re being used. It could be that once they realize you won’t put up with it anymore, they’ll make themselves scarce.
Your personal values or morals don’t line up. Your friend might have been a totally different person when you met them. Now, they may seem to have the opinions and personal beliefs of a stranger. And when you disagree fundamentally on those things—religion, politics, the way the world is going—it puts a strain on your relationship. Differences make things interesting, sure, but sometimes those differences are just a widening gap that’s not worth bridging. You might also find that you simply don’t prioritize the same things anymore. If you met while doing charity work, for instance, and they no longer do that work, it may be that the foundation of your relationship is gone, and it’s time to look for new foundations elsewhere.
You often feel awkward or nervous around them. Before, you got on like peas in a pod. Now, though, something seems to have shifted. Though you’re not sure what, exactly, interacting with your friend is difficult, and often feels stiff, awkward, or just plain bad. The affection you shared isn’t there anymore. It’s not anyone’s fault, necessarily, but it could be a sign that the relationship is drying up. You might also feel that your friend is more prickly or guarded than before. It may be time to have a serious talk and ask what’s wrong. Say, “I feel like you act differently around me. Is something up?” If they brush you off, then you’ve done what you can.
You can’t trust them anymore. Betrayals of any sort are hard on a friendship. They might be big betrayals, like a friend talking bad about you behind your back, or many smaller betrayals, like a friend constantly bailing on you. In either case, these instances leave you questioning your judgment and doubting your ability to choose friends, which isn’t a good feeling. Trust is essential, and when that trust goes missing, you might want to look for it somewhere else.
You’re not nearly as close as you used to be. People come together, people drift apart. That’s just the way of things. You might have been incredibly close to your friend at one point, sharing secrets and making promises till the sun came up. These days, it might feel hard to share much about yourself, or they don’t open up to you as much as they used to. It doesn’t feel great, we know, but it’s also not the end of the world, just the end of an era. You’ll make new best friends in time, trust us. And those new best friends will provide that close connection you feel like you’ve lost.
They make you feel bad about yourself. A friend who makes negative comments on your appearance, body, values, or other sensitive areas isn’t much of a friend, take it from us. Friends are supposed to build each other up, not tear each other down. This is especially true if they keep saying hurtful things after you’ve asked them to stop. That’s not an ally; that’s someone who sees you as competition. Next time, tell your friend their words were hurtful and ask them to stop. Say, “Hey, that really makes me feel bad. Could you be a little more careful?” It doesn’t have to be a big deal, but you have a right to assert yourself.
They tend not to respect your personal boundaries. Even the closest friendships have boundaries. Some things are off-limits, and that’s both healthy and natural. But a friend who’s always crossing those boundaries, maybe by spilling your secrets, telling you negative things others have said about you, or even invading your personal space, may need to be checked. What’s more, they may need to be ditched altogether. It’s never too late to set new boundaries. Tell your friend what makes you uncomfortable, and calmly ask them to respect that. For example, you might say, “I don’t like it when you talk that way about my relationship. Can we talk about something else?”
They don’t make any effort to grow or change. A healthy friendship takes a certain amount of patience as you both figure things out, discover your boundaries, and shift your behavior to make the most of your time together. But if your friend doesn’t make any effort to change problematic behavior, or doesn’t care or apologize when they hurt you, they may be more of a burden than a companion. When you do tell your friend that something’s wrong or they hurt you, take note of their behavior moving forward. Do they apologize? Are they more careful with their words or actions? Or do they keep doing it?
You’ve had a big, dramatic blow-up. Some friendships fade like a candle at the end of its wick. Others explode like a firework. It’s usually the result of many misunderstandings, or ignoring a number of warning signs, which all build up and result in one big break. They say exactly the wrong thing, or one of you does something you can’t take back. It may have been in the cards all along, and now you can’t pretend things are all that great anymore. If you feel up to it, give it some time, and try to forgive, or even ask for forgiveness. If that’s not on the table, maybe it’s for the best to move on.
They’re a bit too clingy or needy. Some friends are hard to reach. Others are a bit too hard to shake. It’s an awkward position to be in, but it’s also a boundary issue. What you’re comfortable giving may not align with what they need from the friendship, and that’s okay. Let them know, make some distance, and see how things go. If the balance doesn’t improve, consider making even more distance, or cutting off contact with your clingy friend altogether. For example, say, “I really value our friendship, but I generally need more time to myself. How about we talk some other time?”
Your instincts say it’s time to move on. Sometimes your gut just tells you to get out of there. You can’t explain it. It might be some big looming feeling, or a lot of little feelings that whisper in your ear. It’s important to investigate that feeling and ask yourself why you feel that way. Don’t do anything rash, but don’t ignore your instincts either. Ask yourself: Does your friend do anything to make you uncomfortable? Do they know they’re doing it? Are you getting what you want out of the friendship? Is there something one of you isn’t saying?
When to Cut Your Friend Some Slack
They’re busy or they've had a hard time recently. We all go through rough patches. Stress or trauma can make people act differently, from avoiding social interactions to losing interest in passions to saying things they don’t mean. If you know a friend having a hard time, try to be a little extra forgiving, and wait a while longer before you start seriously reevaluating your friendship. If you can, reach out and offer to help. Ask them if they need to express any frustration, or need a listening ear. You might find that your friendship actually deepens. If they turn down help, don’t take it personally, but let them know you’re there if they need you.
You’re going through your own rough patch. We’re not exempt from lashing out during rough patches ourselves, and we’re perfectly capable of withdrawing or making rash decisions when stressed. If you’re having a hard time, consider riding it out and waiting for calmer seas before you cut people out of your life entirely. You never know, they might turn out to be essential allies, but you might not have been able to see that past your own frustration. Never hesitate to ask for help from friends or family. Say something like, “Hey, I haven’t been feeling myself lately, can we talk?”
They’ve made efforts to change for the better. Remember: nobody’s perfect, everybody makes mistakes, and that includes you. Give your friend a second or even third chance to change and get things right. If they genuinely put in the effort to grow and become a better friend, all the better! If not, don’t be ashamed of letting them drift away. Sometimes it takes 3 or even 4 tries for someone to get it right. Be patient, and let them keep trying—as long as they are, in fact, trying.
They’re just introverted or don’t always have much to say. People who are introverted tend to interact with people in their own ways, and many have limits on how much social interaction they can take before they need to rest and recoup. You may need to treat your introverted friend differently than your other friends. Before getting frustrated by an introverted friend, consider that other things in their life may have taken priority or drained their energy, and give them the benefit of the doubt. It may be a chronic problem, but try to understand that they’re trying their best. Other people just might not have all that much to say, and prefer to listen or be the partner in crime. That’s not a bad thing; you might just have to shift your expectations.
They have different relationship standards. There are different kinds of friendship, and those different kinds work for different people. Your friend might prefer to keep acquaintances or just casual friends, while you’re looking to be besties for life. It might be unfair to ask that of someone who’s not ready or comfortable with that kind of commitment. That doesn’t mean you have to cut them off. Instead, try enjoying the friendship for what it is. Even if they do consider you besties, their perception of what that means might differ from your expectations. Communicate what you want from the friendship, and try to compromise on those expectations.
You’re different people, but not in a bad way. Often, all you really need for a good friendship is some common ground on which to build a foundation. You can be entirely different people in countless other ways, but that one commonality brings you together. Your friend might have different takes on a number of things, from politics to religion, and though those takes might be challenging, that doesn’t make your friendship impossible. Ask yourself if your differences really are problematic. Does the way your friend lives actively hurt anyone? Or is it just new to you? Maybe this is a chance to broaden your horizons!
Moving On from a Friendship
Give your friendship a downgrade for a while. Friends grow apart, it happens. That doesn’t mean it’s a bad thing. Sometimes a best friend naturally becomes a more casual friend, who you’re glad to see at parties but don’t seek out as often. Try treating your friend as that sort of casual friend for a while—say, a few months—and see how it feels. If it takes a load off your mind, great! If things are still draining or awkward or generally uncomfortable, maybe it really is time to part ways for good.
Stop initiating conversations with them and keep things formal. The first step of slowly drifting away from someone is to stop putting in the effort yourself. Go ahead and greet them when you see them in person to keep things civil, but stop texting them first, and keep those in-person conversations formal. Avoid talking about your personal life, and keep it to small talk: the weather, the news, work, etc. If you do find yourself in a conversation, end it quickly with something like, “Sorry, I have to get going.”
Unfollow them on social media. Social media is a huge social arena in this day and age, and it’s hard to drop out of someone’s life if you’re still engaged with them online. Unfollow your friend on Twitter/X, Instagram, and everywhere else. They’ll be out of sight and out of mind, and you’ll feel a weight lift off your shoulders. If your friend is pushy or says negative things about you online, don’t hesitate to block them, too.
Tell them about how you feel to gain closure. If slowly drifting apart isn’t your style, opt for a quick rip of the bandaid, and sit your friend down for conversation. Be polite and civil. Explain plainly how you feel, and why you think it’s best to part ways. Say that you appreciate and love them, but you’re not sure you can sustain a close friendship anymore. For example, say, “I’ve been thinking about our relationship recently, and I think it might be best we put our energy somewhere else. I really care about you, but I don’t feel that my effort is being reciprocated.” Your friend might also want closure, or to have a serious conversation if they notice you acting differently. If you can, be open and honest, but don’t feel like you owe them anything if you’ve realized that they’ve been toxic.
Find new friends to help you move on. The end of one friendship doesn’t mean you’re alone. Now’s your chance for a fresh start with someone new. Making new friends will not only help you take your mind off your old friend, but will remind you of the sort of friendships you deserve when you meet someone as enthusiastic about the relationship as you are. Join special interest clubs like book clubs or art groups, play club sports, or take a class to meet like-minded people.
Focus on your own self-confidence and independence. When you increase your self-esteem and self-confidence, you also increase your sense of self-respect. That self-respect is an invaluable guide for your relationships. The higher your self-respect, the less abuse, neglect, and general runaround you’ll tolerate in your friendships. As a result, the friendships you build will be more genuine and lasting. Boost your confidence by practicing things you’re good at. Showing yourself your own skills, talents, and strengths is a great reminder of your own worth and capability.
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