“No, please!”
Any sassy version of “No,” brings a dash of humor with it. Sometimes, “No” is just a little bit too boring to get the job done. Even texting someone back, “Nahhhhhhhhh” is kind of funny. It’s like you want to say no, but like…seriously, no. It gives a boring “No,” some emphasis and decoration. You might also try: “No. No way. Absolutely not. Thank you. No.” “I just watched a TED talk about saying ‘no.’ Let me practice…No” “Under no circumstance will I be doing that.” “I’d like to not say ‘no,’ but then I’d have to say yes.”
“I would, but my boyfriend would be upset.”
There are plenty of ways to have fun with a fictional partner. You could pretend like you’ve been married for 20 years (so what if you’re 18!), or tell the person asking you out that you’re actually dating a celebrity. There’s a lot of room to have fun here, so make it your own. You could say: “I’m actually in a relationship right now. I’m married to the sea.” “I can’t go out with you; my partner is a cop and they’d totally lock you up for dating me.” “No, sorry, my partner is a heavyweight boxer and they tend to take it out on people who try to date me. It’s for your safety, really.”
“Sorry, but I'm saving myself for George Clooney.”
Instead of inventing a partner, just pretend your heart is set on someone else. This is a super polite way of suggesting that your standards are simply too unreasonable. It’s not them, it’s you! On top of that, they’ll have a great story about the time someone declined a date because they didn’t measure up to some crazy beautiful celebrity. You can swap this one out to be whoever you want. You can get as wild with it as you’d like!
“My palm reader said it might be a bad idea.”
This is a fun, quirky response that lets them down easy. Throw in a little ???? emoji if you’re texting, or flash a wry smile if the two of you are talking in person. The beauty of an answer like this is that they’ll think there’s a genuine possibility that you’re being serious, so they won’t feel too bad about it. You could also try something like: “My best friend is a fortune teller and they said I need some alone time.” “Are you a Taurus with a Scorpio Rising? No? Darn, I guess I have to say no.”
“Sorry, I don’t speak English.”
They’ll either get the message and let it go or be totally confused. In any case, this is a funny way to decline the offer for a date. People just tend to react in funny ways when you say things like “I don’t speak English” actually in English, and watching their reaction can be a lot of fun. You could also literally say you don’t speak English in another language, although they might not get the joke. In person, shouting back something like “Non parlo inglese!” (Italian for “I don’t speak English”) can produce some interesting results, though! If they respond to your “Sorry, I don’t speak English,” with, “You just spoke English,” you could reply with: “No I didn’t.” “That’s like…your opinion.”
“Sorry, I just became a monk.”
Play along like you got a job or ran into a situation that prevents dating. They might even play along with you or jokingly poke fun at how silly you’re being. This makes the strategy a good choice if you aren’t necessarily trying to ruin a friendship or you want to have some good-natured fun. Variations on this might include: “I can’t go out with you. I’m actually an undercover cop on an incredibly important mission.” “I’d love to go out, but I’m actually taking a vow of silence next week.” “Ah, bad timing, my friend. I go into the witness protection program on Monday.”
“I can’t, I’m going to jail next week.”
Give yourself a dark and silly backstory to scare them off. This is a funny way of telling a little story that gets you out of the date, but with the added benefit of freaking them out enough to keep them from continuing to ask you. Even if you joke about being a criminal mastermind, they’re going to have a little voice in the back of their head going, “Oh, this person’s kind of crazy. Maybe I don’t want to date them.” You could also try: “I would, but I’ve got a trained assassin hunting me down.” “You know how sometimes a judge makes you agree to not do something while you’re on parole? Yeah, that’s dating for me right now.”
“My mom told me not to hang out with strangers.”
What’s funnier than pretending your mom picks your dates? When they say, “I’m not a stranger,” go for, “Well I’d like you to be.” This is a goofy, snarky option that offers a fun scenario to play with. You can also say, “Yes, but only if my Dad can supervise the date,” or something like that to make them a tad uncomfortable. You could also reply to the “I’m not a stranger” line with, “Really? You seem pretty strange to me.”
“Why don’t you ask me next year?”
If you’re uncomfortable saying no, plan the date for the far future! If you want a funny option that will get you out of the uncomfortable experience of saying “no” straight up, just tell them you’re busy for a year. The reaction can be pretty funny—especially if you string them along for a minute and act like you’re genuinely available in 12 months or more. You might also say: “I’m not sure, but if you ask me again in two years I might say yes.” “Why don’t you come back when my schedule opens up in 2042.” “Yes. I’d love to go out with you. Unfortunately, my calendar is a little full for the next decade.”
“I would go out to dinner, but I don’t eat food.”
You can always play along like you have some absurd restriction. It’s funny to watch people react to odd curveballs they don’t expect, and finding out that the person you just asked out actually hates food is a pretty crazy bit of news. See how long you can keep the gag going! You could also say something like: “I would give you my phone number, but I don’t believe in technology. I actually keep a live rooster in my apartment because I don’t even want to plug in an alarm clock.” “I would totally go on a date with you, but I don’t believe in dates. I don’t really like dating as a whole, that’s why I refuse to acknowledge calendars.”
“Let’s start the date now—I don’t think it’s going very well.”
If you’re too hard to impress, they’ll give up on the date prospect. It can be hilarious watching someone flounder as they try to recover in the moment. For an added game element, pull your phone out and start a timer. Tell them, “All of my dates last 10 seconds. Let’s see how this goes,” and let the timer run. When it’s over, say, “That was great, but I don’t know about a second date. Bye!” You could also say: “I’m going to say no. If this is a preview of what a date with you is like, I think I’m good.” “I’d agree to go out with you, but you have to impress me. You have 10 seconds. Go.”
“It’s not you, it’s your personality.”
If they really aren’t taking no for an answer, it’s okay to take the gloves off. If someone is refusing to accept your “no” and they just keep crossing the line, you don’t have to be nice. You’re under no obligation to spare their feelings if they’re harassing you. Shoot them a sharp criticism to let them know you’re not interested in a way that will at least make you smile when you think back on it. You could also try: “No, I only date people who have something interesting to say.” “I’d say we should go out, but then I’d have to spend time with you.” “I try to avoid hanging out with people who creep me out.” “I would totally go out with you, but I can’t. I have to be attracted to my dates.”
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